Having Faith Through the Pain of Grief
I really didn't intend to take this long a break from writing, but here it is, almost a month later from my last entry. In the previous entry, I was sharing scriptures God gave me when my dad was sick and when he passed away. At the time, my Father-in-law was in the hospital. I'm sad to say, he passed away on July 30th, two days after my last entry. It hurt so much to receive the news, even though we knew it was coming. Now here we are, as I stated, about a month later. Grief... when my dad passed, I told my child, "It hurts so much, because we loved so much." Even though we know the truth of where both my dad and my father-in-law are, we still miss them so much. We rejoice in the fact that they are both with Jesus, while we are crying our hearts out because they are away from us. The pain of grief is real. And it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. It's like a punch in the gut that steals the air from your lungs. It's like a wave crashing over you that makes you feel as if you were drowning. And it's not something you can control. No matter the knowledge you have and the fact that you know they are at peace, grief will double you over in pain and pull you down like a millstone around your neck.
The image below appeared on my Instagram feed back in 2021, and it spoke so much truth to how I was feeling. It's called "Rising Cairn", but it's recognized as The Weight of Grief.
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| Rising Cairn by Celeste Roberge Source: https://blog.sevenponds.com/soulful-expressions/grief-and-rising-cairn-by-celeste-roberge |
I looked back through my journal entries from when my dad died for some encouragement. Sometimes, the best encouragement we can receive is from our own experiences and writings. And I share these with you so you can also be encouraged. Know you are not alone. And it's ok to feel the grief. Give yourself some grace and lean on God to get you through. That's what I struggled with.
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Journal Entry Date: Feb 4, 2021
Yesterday was the one-month anniversary of Dad's passing. I started feeling it the night before. I was scatterbrained, distant, melancholy, and in a fog. Just not "there". To the point, I left my tablet in the grocery cart when I left Schnucks that night. I didn't realize I had left it until hours later, when I was going to bed.
I just felt my heart drop. I wanted to throw up, scream, cry, break stuff, etc. I was so mad at myself for being so careless. I just kept asking God, "Why?! Why am I like this?" I honestly thought this was it. I quit, I thought.
Luckily, Mark stepped into action and called them immediately. They had just closed for the night, but someone answered the phone. No one had turned it in, but the employee went outside to check the carts that had not been brought in. And would you believe, they found it? Four hours had passed, and no one had stolen it nor had it rained. I just cried. But at the time, I was not relieved. I was just upset that it had happened. I couldn't see the blessing in it as I wanted to throw a fit. Why did it have to happen? I couldn't take any more.
I've been really struggling with a lot in my mind. Asking why do we have to go through so much pain? I'd experienced so much pain in my life, and I was just done. When I've gone through those moments, I've begged God to stop it, change it, make it go away, fix it, etc. And it felt like He never did. Those moments broke me in so many ways.
But God has been revealing to me that He has always been there, like the footprints poem. He was always carrying me through these tough times, even if I couldn't see it at the time. The night before my dad passed was rough. It broke me. I was mad at God. Why was He not helping? Why did things keep happening? I can't begin to describe everything that we on that night. I won't ever forget. I came home physically exhausted, in pain, emotionally drained, and just done. I cried so hard that night. But even through all of it, God WAS there. I knew it. He was there with the nurse who came to help. He was there when the guy came to add extra rails to the bed so Dad wouldn't fall out. With mom through the last night. And with Mark and me as we tried to keep him in bed and care for him through his pain. And as I drifted off to sleep that night. And even the next day, when I prepared to head over to their house. God prepared me. I felt it inside my soul that Dad was going to be gone when I got there. And God then gave me the strength to get through the next hours, days, and weeks.
And He reminded me again through this most recent experience that He was still with me. He looked after my tablet. He kept it safe. No matter what, He will be there. And he used this situation to remind me of that. No, I didn't want any more bad experiences. I was tired of trials and tribulations. So I just wanted Him to stop. But the truth is, no matter what, I can trust Him, lean on Him, and He will get me through. I don't need to fret. It's when that doubt creeps in that I mentally put myself in hell.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. The pain of grief is horrible. But it is a life lesson I must go through. And it's one I never thought I would survive, but I am... all by the grace and strength of God. Yeah, I'm scared of what's to come, but He will be there. He will sustain me. He will guide me. He will comfort me. Ok God, continue to work in me... I will try to let go and trust.
Faith is not believing that God can, but knowing that God will.
~//~
Another month later...
Journal Entry Date: March 2, 2021
I've been really struggling the past couple of weeks. Emotionally and mentally. I've been so upset at so many things. I'm tired of the battles. I'm tired of going through tough circumstances. I've questioned why God would allow certain things. But I know they have to happen. We can't avoid the tough times. If we don't go through them, we won't come out on the other side and be better than before. No matter where I go or what I go through, God is there. He is with me during the tough times. I was re-reading some scriptures I saved when I came across Isaiah 43:1-2.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."
I remember that scripture when Dad was diagnosed. At that time, the main theme was that He would be with me. That's what He showed me in the beginning. But today, I'm looking through a new lens at the wording. The scripture does not say, "IF you pass through the waters..." No, it says, "WHEN you pass through the waters..." and "WHEN you walk through the fire..." There is no IF. You WILL pass through troubled waters and walk through fire. There will be tough times. He is preparing us. We will face trials... but He will go with us.
He is reminding me that, yes, there will be tough times, and I need to accept that. We will encounter tough circumstances, but He has always been there and gotten us through, and will continue to do so.
"So do not fear,
for I am with you;
do not be dismayed,
for I am your God.
I will strengthen you
and help you;
I will uphold you with
with my righteous right hand."
~Isaiah 41:10
~//~
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I really needed to be reminded of these scriptures and the truth that I'm not alone. That God is with me, and He will get us through this. Nothing is too big. And no matter what comes our way, He will overcome.
Going through this process again has been difficult and triggering. But I'm glad I was able to help support my husband and his family through it all. My Father-in-law, Paul Rickards, will be missed greatly. I will miss our chats, our jokes, and his laugh. The last few times we visited, he would tell me to take care of his son, and I assured him I would. And in the end, when I was saying my goodbye, I told him thank you for giving me his son. And I'm also thankful to God for giving Mark to me. Through it all, next to Jesus, he has been my rock. I couldn't get through this life without him. Your prayers are appreciated during this time. And I pray my posts are encouraging to you. Thank you for reading. If you would like to read my Father-in-law's obituary, click on this link.
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