Healing Out Loud - Why do I need to over-explain?

     It's been a rough couple of days. I've been taking care of mom the past few months cause of the pinched nerve in her back. Her pain had just started to lessen when all of a sudden, MY back called it quits. I mean, the pain was close to the worst I've ever felt, and it came just out of the blue. And that's all it takes to knock you down for days/weeks. I just kept crying out to God for help. It happened on a day when I had many things planned. We had a board meeting for the Historical Society, San had to work, and then I had to take Mom to PT. I was more upset about that than I was about the pain. I had to address this. Why was I so upset about having to cancel some appointments? Why was I putting so much pressure on myself? This was going to take some work and time to figure it out.

    Once I decided, after agonizing over it for about an hour, I reached out to people to cancel. That's when the next wave of anxiety hit. I began crafting text messages to those who needed to know, and I started to have a panic attack. Why? What was the issue? As I started typing my messages, I realized I was over-explaining a simple situation. The simple message should have been, "I'm sorry, I won't be able to make it today. My back went out, and I'm unable to walk." See? Simple. But why was it hard for me to say that? I started writing a paragraph, giving many details of the event, repeating myself, and apologizing because I felt like a horrible person. WHY?? It just happened. It was out of my control. And why did I need to explain as presenting a case in court?

    I started to think back to when I was in therapy. I would always over-explain myself to my therapist. She asked why I over-explained things. She knew the answer already, but wanted me to think about it. And the honest answer I gave was that I needed the other person to believe me so they didn't get mad, and I didn't get in trouble. She asked, "Why would someone get mad at you if it was out of your control?" I couldn't really answer that. But it was true. I always got into trouble for things beyond my control or things that weren't my fault. I felt like I HAD to prove my innocence or prove an incident was out of my control. It altered my beliefs that no one would believe me unless it was catastrophic enough or I presented enough evidence. But even then, it didn't always work. So my therapist started working with me on this. 

    The act of overexplaining is often a defense mechanism and stress response that comes from that fear of needing to “explain” oneself out of trouble. ~ Psychology Today.

    That's what was happening here. I felt the need to explain in great detail why I wasn't able to make my meeting or take Mom to PT. The other side of the coin was the fear of no one believing me. I felt that if I didn't include enough details, I would be questioned and then accused of lying. And yes, I will admit, when I was younger, I did lie quite a bit. Mostly to avoid getting into trouble. But as I got older, I knew how important honesty was, so I did my best to be as honest as I could. Now, as an adult, in my relationships, I felt it was my burden to prove my innocence, and it was my fault if someone didn't believe me. But that's not true.

    Let me tell you, it is the worst feeling in the world when you tell the truth about something and you are not believed. You are gaslighted into believing you ARE lying and that your behaviors indicate it as well. So you second-guess everything you do, think, say, etc. You are also ignored when you try to tell the truth and made to think, "Oh, it's not that bad. You must be exaggerating." Your feelings aren't validated. You are called "too sensitive". You lie there in horrible pain and get accused of ruining someone's dream cause you can't do what they want. You turn everything inward and start to feel like you are an inconvenience. That things would just be better if you didn't have any needs. And you begin to hate yourself if something comes up and causes others distress. Like my back going out and letting my mom and the board down.

Yes, we are going deep into my trauma today.

    Without going into too much detail, I've felt like an inconvenience since I was a child. I've made statements in the past, journaled about it, written poems, and even considered suicide. I've never wanted to burden or inconvenience others, so I would do my best to hide. It's taken some time, but I'm finally in a better place where I don't feel like I used to. However, I still have some work to do as I am still struggling with over-explaining and worrying about making others mad.

    Here is a truth I need to remember: If you tell the truth to someone, and they don't believe you, that is a THEM problem. If you tell the truth and they constantly accuse you of lying and try to gaslight you, you need to get away from them. Cause no matter what evidence you bring or how honest you are, they will only believe what's in their head, not necessarily the truth. That's where you wash your hands of the situation and move on. God knows the truth, and He's got your back. So leave them in God's hands. People who twist the truth to fit their own narratives will cause you to go insane trying to prove your innocence. Don't engage. You will have to make peace with the lies they will spread to get people on their side. Those who know you and the truth will stand by you. And again, God knows the truth. 

"I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery, they deceive the minds of naive people." ~ Romans 16:17-18

    I had to deal with this recently. All I did was let them say what they wanted (behind my back) and not address it. I washed my hands of the situation and moved on. Cause they were in such a place that they only believed the narrative in their head. No matter how many people tried to tell them the facts, they didn't want to hear it. All they wanted to do was fight and blame, so it's done. A boundary has been established, and we will no longer engage or respond to accusations.

"Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult;
Whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse.
Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you;
Rebuke a wise man and he will love you." ~ Proverbs 9:7-8

    It's taken years for me to get to this point of healing, and I still have a long way to go. It's very important to address trauma and certain behaviors when they come up so healing can occur. Am I perfect? By no means. Am I without sin? Absolutely not. I will admit if I have done something wrong. But I won't be forced or gaslit into admitting lies. 

    To put it simply: My back went out on Monday. So bad to the point I could not walk and was bedridden. So I am taking my time to heal properly, and I won't feel guilty about it. Your prayers are appreciated during this time. Thank you!

And thank you for hearing me process my trauma, and trying to Heal Out Loud. 

Jen