Healing is not linear (Other don't get to tell you when you should be healed)

Healing is not linear. It will take you two steps forward, three steps back, one to the right, and two to the left. Then you do the hokey pokey, and you turn yourself around. Hey Macarena! That's what it feels like. And before you know it, you are so dizzy you need to sit down. And all through this journey, you have people judging you from the outside. Telling you what to do and how to do it. And not in a graceful way. Most of the time, the ones doing this are the ones who haven't healed. 

It feels like my whole life, I've had so many people tell me what I needed to do or that I'm wrong. And most of the time, they all contradicted themselves. It's like they made up the rules as they went, only to benefit themselves.  I felt lost and confused for years. Even after I became a Christian, I had more people trying to tell me how to serve, where I should go, and what I should do. Now, there is nothing wrong with seeking Godly counsel and wisdom, the bible even encourages it. (Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 19:20-21) But you need to be careful whose wisdom you listen to. (1 John 4:1, 1 Peter 5:8) If someone gives you advice contrary to what the Word says, stop, don't listen. The spirit will not guide you away from God. He speaks only what he hears from God. (John 16:13) This is why it's important to be in the Word. You don't want to be guided down the wrong path in the middle of your healing journey and get even more turned around.

Proverbs 13:20
Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

Today, I want to encourage you in your healing journey. Many people will have their own opinions on how you should heal and how fast. But that's not up to them. It's between you and God. Don't let their comments derail your progress. I want to share some things that have been said to me on my journey that have NOT been encouraging, helpful, or biblical. The best way to fight the enemy is to call out their lies and replace them with truth.

"You are still on that?" "You are still harping on that?" "You are not over that yet?" "Why do you keep bringing up the past?"

I'm sure you are familiar with some of these phrases. I've heard them quite a bit, and mostly from the people who did the hurting, but also from those who have not healed from their own past. The enemy wants you to forget what he did. And he even tries to use scripture, "Don't keep a record of wrongs." (1 Corinthians 13:5) But scripture also says, "You will know them by their fruit." (Matthew 7:16) And if someone keeps repeating the offenses, that is them showing you their fruit. Why would God go through the trouble of explaining the fruits of the flesh vs. the fruits of the spirit if he didn't want us to pay attention? (Galatians 5:16-26) People don't want us focusing on their wrongdoings (cause they would have to acknowledge it and change), so they blame us.

Like I said at the beginning of this blog post, healing is not linear. So yes, I am still trying to heal from things deep in my past. Yes, I still get triggered and need to work through it. Just because I struggle with it doesn't mean I haven't given it to God. It doesn't mean I haven't forgiven. It's a continuous process. Our bodies are built to learn how to adapt and protect. So when something has happened to them repeatedly, our bodies learn to survive. It rewires our brains to teach us that certain actions and situations are unsafe. Even after we are removed from that toxic situation, if something is similar, it will trigger our brains, and we will go into protective mode automatically, without us even thinking about it. That brings me to my next saying.

"It's in the past, just get over it already."

Can I ask you something? Where is the grace? You expect it to be handed to you, but you won't extend it to someone else? The truth is, if you have hurt someone, you don't get to tell them how they heal or that they need to get over it. That is for them to work through with God, and you need to focus on yourself. You take yours to God, and you discuss it with Him. (Galatians 6:3-5)

Would you tell a soldier who just came back from seeing and experiencing some of the most horrible things you can't even imagine, to just get over it? Or a child who has dealt with horrible repeated abuse? I don't think so. Repeated exposure to something traumatic can lead to CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I was touching on this above. Studies have shown that if someone has been exposed to repeated episodes of abuse (physical or emotional), they can develop CPTSD. Your brain literally gets rewired for protection. And if you were exposed for YEARS, it's going to take time and a lot of healing before you can start to feel safe. God understands and doesn't judge you. He doesn't make you feel guilty. He reminds you that He loves you and He is a safe place. Remember, a person who has hurt you does not have the right to tell you when you should be healed. It's the enemy who wants you to stay in a frightened state so he can try to manipulate and control you. Someone who cares and loves you will "carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2) And let's not forget, if they continue repeating the offense, it is NOT in the past. This is why the enemy doesn't want you to remember, so you don't see the pattern. 

"You are too sensitive."

This one hurt. And it came from someone I used to trust. Yeah, I am sensitive. I admit it. God has been working on me. They knew I was sensitive. After the emotional abuse I've endured in my life, they used it to make me feel bad about calling out how their behavior was hurtful. Abusers, manipulators, and the enemy will make you feel bad and try to turn it around on you, saying it's YOUR fault for being hurt that they did something hurtful. What? Let's call this what it is. They are trying to gaslight you by calling you sensitive, so the problem is really you, not them, and, in turn, it means YOU have to change, not THEM. Something I have learned in this journey is that my feelings are valid. I have been made to feel like my feelings are an inconvenience to others. I wasn't allowed to express that I was hurt. I was just told, "You are too sensitive. Get over it." Then they would continue in their hurtful behavior. 

Let me tell you, if someone brings to your attention that you have done something to hurt them, it's similar to sinning against them. (Matthew 18:15) You've treated your brother/sister poorly. Their feelings are valid. Evaluate your words and behavior. Take it to God. You may not understand why, but try to. You don't get to tell someone they are not allowed to hurt. I've been told before, "Well, it's just the way I am, and I'm not changing for anyone." My dad said that to me when I was about 10. I was trying to talk to him about how some of the things he would say to Mom and me would hurt. It was in that moment that things shifted with my dad. I lost respect for him. So from a young age, I was taught my feelings don't matter and that I was too sensitive. Thanks to God, He has helped me heal, and my dad and I also worked on healing before he passed. But there are other people I do not allow access to my life and my family because of this mentality. It shows they don't care and won't treat you with love and respect. Reconciliation takes both parties; if one still believes they are not wrong and that I'm too sensitive, reconciliation will not happen. It can't. We both need to be humble enough to admit our faults and work to change. Yes, I am sensitive. Sensitive to the way you treat me. My senses are heightened. Why? Good question. 

I just felt I needed to get this out. Healing out loud. I have to admit, I had to rewrite some things in this post. God was working on me through it. Thinking about how I was treated and what was said to me still gets me worked up cause it hurt. I still have triggers to work through. Some days are good, but some days are still rough. When you've been told the same negative things most of your life, it's hard to change your way of thinking. Triggers happen. But it's our responsibility to examine those triggers and work on them with God. And that's what I'm doing. He will help us heal. But it will take time. And don't let anyone make you feel guilty for how long it may take you to heal. 

Jen