Hebrews Eleven - What does that mean?

 Wow... It's been a hot minute since I updated this blog. The last entries were published in 2009. Goodness! Recently, I felt like God was telling me to start this blog again to share some of my journey and what God has been showing me. Quite a bit has changed in 16 years. God has taken me through the refiner's fire quite a few times. My faith has been tested, and I wish I could say I passed. Unfortunately, I fell flat on my face... a few times. Has God changed? No. Did He ever abandon me? No. He is still God, and He still holds me in His hands. Praise His name! But I have definitely learned a lot, and I am still learning. So let's dive in!

When I started this blog, I decided to call it Hebrews Eleven after my favorite chapter in the Bible, Hebrews 11. It's also called the faith chapter since it lays out many examples of the saints in the bible who had faith despite their circumstances. When I came to know the Lord at 16, this chapter really spoke to me. It encouraged me. It helped me get through the tough times and rough days. It kept me going for a long time.

A few years ago, my faith was tested to the max. Things had been building for a while, but came to a head in 2021. My dad passed away January 3, 2021, after a battle with Mesothelioma (cancer caused by asbestos). The Lord was with me the whole time. I felt his presence and comforting hands. But it was rough. Grief is like a punch in the gut, stealing the air from your lungs. I knew my dad was in Heaven. God really got hold of him in the last months of his life. And I saw peace on my dad's face. A peace I'd never seen before. But even knowing the truth, the pain of grief was overwhelming. So it made it difficult to get through the days. I was in charge of planning the funeral and was the executor of his estate. So I was busy processing everything, which distracted me from the grief. I was also trying to lean on my husband, Mark, for support. But then in April, the unthinkable happened. Mark told me he didn't believe in the bible anymore. I felt my world just crumble beneath me. I actually journaled about some of this, and I will be sharing it more in-depth in another blog post later on.

If all that wasn't enough, my dog Teddy crossed the rainbow bridge in June, our neighbor Jeff passed away, another neighbor passed away, my Uncle Kevin passed away, and my cousin Daryl passed away. There was so much pain from grief that I could not breathe. We also got COVID in November. I was afraid I would have to go to the hospital because breathing was very painful. I had to keep an eye on oxygen levels. But praise God, we got through it. And during this whole time, I felt the presence of God. I knew He was holding me up through all this. But then, 2022 happened. 

My back went out in February. So bad I could barely walk. But I'm used to that. It's happened before, and it always works itself out. Well, this time was starting to feel different. The pain traveled down my leg, and it felt like someone was trying to rip my leg off. Like a cramp that just wouldn't quit. CONSTANTLY! There was no reprieve. Painkillers didn't work. The only thing that helped somewhat was a heating pad wrapped around my leg. During the next few months, I was in and out of hospitals and doctor appointments with no answers. They actually accused me of being a pill seeker. They had given me heavy medication, including Morphine and Percocet, which did nothing for the pain. Finally, after suffering for a couple of months, it was determined I had a crushed nerve in my back. All of a sudden, doctors were finally willing to listen to me. They were scrambling to get me to a neurosurgeon to see what needed to be done. Well, that doctor was a joke. Horrible bedside manner and very rude and dismissive. He told me I needed Physical Therapy and left. I wanted to cry. I wanted to give up. I was told to continue in my pain AND do physical therapy. By this time, I was in a wheelchair, not able to walk. And he wanted me to do physical therapy. Well, God told me to lean on Him. He reassured me that I wouldn't need surgery. That He would heal me without surgery. 

Months later, the pain was starting to subside. And I did have an updated MRI to prove the nerve wasn't crushed anymore. While I was happy to hear that, I was devastated to learn that the pain I was still feeling was from damage done to my nerves. Which means I was going to be in pain probably for the rest of my life. From this point on, nothing would be like it used to be. Before this happened, I was walking a mile every day (sometimes more, and even jogging), I was cooking healthier meals, taking care of my house and my mom's house, and more. Ever since this happened, I haven't been able to do ANYTHING. I was literally laid up in a chair or bed for months, in the worst pain I've ever experienced. I started gaining weight again because I couldn't maintain my healthy lifestyle. Depression was really taking over at this point. I was losing my faith. There were days when I was home alone that I would scream at the top of my lungs, begging God to take this pain away. To help me get through this. Begging, pleading, bargaining, demanding, anything. When it didn't stop, I started losing my faith. I couldn't take any more. 

I was so bogged down by my grief and pain. I could barely function. I didn't show it to many people. I began to turn inward. Living was becoming a heavy burden I didn't want to bear. I had stopped talking to God as much as I used to because of my anger. At this point, all I was doing was going through the motions, trying to care for everyone else, ignoring my own needs. I was at the end of my rope. Then I had a falling out with a close friend. Someone I called a sister. Hurtful things were said. And I sank deeper into the pit. I needed help... and God was right there picking me up and putting me back on his solid rock.

God began to reveal things to me... well, that's not entirely true. He had been revealing things to me, but I wasn't listening or paying attention. I finally laid my head against Jesus and just let his comforting words wash over me. Everything was too much, and I was trying to carry that burden all on my own. He told me to let it go, and I finally did. 

"Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles." Isaiah 40:31

"My soul is weary with sorrow;  strengthen me according to your word." Psalm 119:28

These are two verses God had given me before Dad had passed. These, along with other scriptures, I meditated on daily. The Lord began pulling me out of this pit I had fallen into. I sought counseling, began to journal, and spent my mornings in the Word and devotionals. I was a dry sponge needing God's holy water to fill me up, and I couldn't get enough of Him. Here it is, two years later, and I still can't get enough of the Lord.

Now, what does this have to do with the title of this blog? Well, first, I wanted to provide an update on my life and, second, share what prompted me to restart blogging here. God has revealed a lot to me over the past four years. I have been through the valley and the fire. My faith has been tested hardcore. And only by His love and grace have I made it through. A line from Brandon Lake's song hit me hard the other day, "'Cause faith isn't proven like gold, 'Til it's been through the fire..." And I have definitely been through the fire. 

So I will be sharing what God is showing me through this journey I am currently on, and I feel led to share some of my past journal entries as encouragement to others. Am I perfect? No. Have I figured it all out? No. Will I make mistakes? You bet. The point is not to bring attention to myself, but to show you Him, what He has done and what He can do. My witness. My testimony. My desire has always been to encourage people in the Word. So here I am, being obedient to God's calling. I pray you're encouraged in Him. And may all of our faiths be strengthened.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do  not see." Hebrews 11:1

Some housekeeping notes:
    I will be sharing scripture from my particular bible. I have a Ryrie NIV Study Bible. It was originally published in 1986 and updated in 1994. Many translations are being added daily, and others are being changed as well.  I don't always agree with the changes, so to be consistent, I will only be posting scriptures from this bible. 

    If you wish to comment on any of my posts, I ask that you be respectful. Discussions can be had. You can share your feelings and thoughts. But I won't tolerate disrespect toward me or anyone else who comments. We can disagree and still be kind. 

Let's take this journey together. "Show me your ways, O Lord, and teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me. For you are my God, my savior, and my hope is in you all day long."  Psalm 25: 4-5

Jen