Faith over Fear - What a difference two years makes

    So much can change in just two years. For my first journal entry below, I was lost. I was in so much pain. I couldn't see what God was doing. All I could focus on was the pain. The physical pain, the grief, the depression... I was in a full-on battle, and not many people knew about it. I was struggling, and I didn't want others to see my struggle. I was afraid my struggle would pull them down with me. The enemy had me so twisted in confusion with his lies. The last thing I wanted to do was to make my brother or sister stumble. But the truth is, we all go through struggles. We all go through trials. Our faith is tested. And sometimes we go through these experiences so we can encourage others when they go through them as well. So here are a couple of entries from two years ago, one of the darkest times of my life, and then a journal entry from two years later, after God worked on me. I pray they are an encouragement to you of what God can do when you surrender. Or what God can do even in the middle of the worst storm you have ever been in. There is no limit to what God can do.

Journal Entry Date: March 22, 2022
    It's March now. I'm lying in bed, in constant pain. Screaming pain. I can't walk. The pain in my back is gone, but the pain in my leg is horrific. The worst pain I have ever experienced. The pain sent me to the hospital again. All they did was give me painkillers, which didn't work. They gave me Percocet. Nothing. All it did was put me to sleep.

    I'm just crying and screaming because of the pain now. The loudest is usually when I am home alone. I began crying out to God. Asking why? Why are you doing this? Why are you allowing this much pain? WHY?! Why won't you take it away? I began to tell God, I quit. I quit trusting, I quit serving, I quit believing in promises. I told God I couldn't take it anymore and wouldn't take it anymore. To just kill me...
    I spent my birthday going to the neurosurgeon, which was a joke. He spent maybe 8 minutes with me. He treated me like my condition wasn't serious. He was rude, interrupting me every time I tried to talk. Then said all I needed was Physical Therapy. He said that would fix everything and then walked out. That's it?

~//~

A week after I met with the Pain Management doctor, he even said he was surprised the neurosurgeon didn't choose to operate, given how bad my nerve was crushed. He said Physical Therapy has a 50/50 chance of fixing the problem. At the time, I thought if there was a chance I didn't have to have surgery, then I would try Physical Therapy. I did feel God reassuring me He would heal me without surgery. God said Trust Him. Although I did encounter people telling me Physical Therapy wouldn't fix it and I would eventually need surgery, I clung to God and His promise.
Two weeks after I started therapy, I took a turn for the worse, temporarily. But it was enough to shake my faith. If there was one thing I learned through this, it's that you can't rush it. I needed to be patient and know God is holding me. But I wanted it over now. I wanted it fixed immediately. But it was a process I had to go through.

Journal Entry Date: April 16, 2022
    I think the point of this is the journey, not the end result. Not the fish line, but the race itself. Mentally, I'm struggling. I want to believe. I want to have faith. But I'm afraid it will be for nothing and I will be made a fool. Father, please speak to me. Please renew my strength.

~//~

Two Years Later...

Journal Entry Date: March 22, 2024
    God is so good. I absolutely see why He wanted me to read Daniel. (I read Daniel 1 and 2 the day before) It's filled with so much wisdom and encouragement about having faith over fear.
    I just read Daniel 3 about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego not bowing to the golden statue of King Neb. Of course, we know the outcome of all this, but they did not. Now they know God's power. They know what He is capable of. They speak of it to the King: 

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us..." Daniel 3:17

I think we miss this part. It takes me back to when Jesus was praying in the garden.

"My father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet, not as I will, but what you will." Matthew 26:39

    These scriptures are not saying "God can't." It is if He chooses to or not. Jesus knew what needed to be done. He knew his purpose. But he showed us what to do. Pay and surrender. Then trust in God's will. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego knew there was a chance it was God's will for them to not be rescued, but they knew that whatever the case, God had a plan. Think back to Abraham and Issac.

"By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Issac as a sacrifice... Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead..." Hebrews 11:17,19

    They knew the stories of the forefathers and probably thought, God has a plan no matter what. Is that how we live? That no matter what, God has a plan? I know I struggle with this. 

    I'm thinking back to when my nerve was crushed. All the doctors and nurses who ignored me and all the pain I was in. It's hard thinking back on that time. I was so scared. I thought I was going to die. No one would listen. I felt God had left me. So I gave up on Him. But He didn't leave me. He arranged for a doctor to step up who cared. He brought me to a pain management clinic, which helped so much. And God healed my herniation without surgery.
    I still have pain. But I know God is in control and has a plan. I will trust in Him. I don't know the outcome of all this, but I don't need to know. Like the three thrown into the fire. They didn't know if they would be rescued. But that wasn't the point. The point was having faith over fear.

~//~

    Did you see that? God DID heal my bulging disc without surgery. Here we are, another year later, and I'm still not back to where I was before my nerve was crushed, but I am able to walk. Unfortunately, the pain in my feet is getting worse. I have to be careful how I move, the shoes I wear, the socks I wear, and how long I stand or walk. There is more than likely permanent nerve damage. But I've been leaning on God to get me through the bad days. I've been trusting Him every day, not letting fear get the better of me. And through His strength, I've been able to go places and do new things. It also helps to have supportive and understanding people in my life. Thank you, God. He isn't done with me yet. So let's keep moving forward, having faith over fear.

Jen